About fifteen years ago the Lord shared a vision with me. I have to tell you I have received visions before but on very rare occasions and they are usually for other people. This one however was for me and although I recorded it, wrote it down and even rewrote it a few times it’s only now that I truly see it’s significance in my life. Isn’t it just like God to be patient with us for 15 years (or longer) in order for us to get where He’s coming from!
I am sharing the vision with you now because I believe it is applicable to many. You may change the meaning of a few things to fit your story, but I believe the message to all of us is the same. I pray it will be a blessing for you. This is certainly my longest blog post but I hope that will not deter you from reading it and enjoying it.
I awoke suddenly to a strange reality. The truth of the matter was, I wasn’t sure I had been asleep at all. But there I was sitting inside what could only be described as a wooden box standing upright. The box was dark and quiet. And although I was startled to find myself confined I felt strangely comfortable. It was a familiar place. I fumbled in the dark to get my bearings. The box stood about 6’ tall with four walls about 3’ wide on all sides, square top and bottom. I sat on the floor and leaned against one of the walls. I was neither warm nor cold, neither scared nor peaceful. I merely existed within the box, resigned and for the moment, content.
From the bottom edge of one wall a small but persistent light streamed in through the spaces between the planks. It was dull at first, distant. But slowly it began to creep upwards. It was different from a sunrise. It swayed back and forth. It was clear that this light was being carried and the one who bore the light was coming closer. As the light grew brighter I stood and pressed my cheek against the wall that faced the light. I strained to see between the planks, first with one eye then the other. The stronger the light became the more desperate I was to see who carried it.
They drew closer and my heart warmed to the thought that someone was coming – a rescuer perhaps to free me from this place. I found a knothole in one of the planks. Finally a clearer view of who was coming my way. The sound of my gasp broke the frigid silence and my hand quickly muffled the sound. It was the Lord.
He was still a ways off when the depravity of my surroundings came into my awareness. His light had illuminated the box enough for me to see its dingy, filthy, worthless appearance. Tears gathered in my throat. I was about to have an encounter with my Lord and this is where I found myself. I peeked out again to see that he was much closer now. A twinge of nerves shot through my body and then that horrible resolution that failure brings.
I sensed that he had stopped. I looked out again hoping He wouldn’t see me and yet pleading silently in the deepest part of me that He would. I moved my hand to my mouth in anticipation of seeing my Lord. And there He was, just a few feet from me now. I was breathless as I took in His dark hair and dark eyes, His bearded chin, and His chiseled, weather-worn face. His robe was white, His hands at His side. He was looking in my direction with warm and gentle eyes. A subtle grin suddenly appeared across His lips as He crouched down. I quickly backed away from the wall to the corner furthest from Him.
“Where are you?” He asked.
I waited to hear a response. There was none.
“Where are you?” He asked again.
I hesitated. I slowly moved to the front of the box and peered out again. His forearms rested on His knees as He crouched down looking in my direction. He smiled. “Where are you,” He said looking right at me without a question in His tone.
“I’m here.” My voice cracked as I spoke. I wasn’t even sure He heard it.
“I want to be with you,” He said.
I didn’t answer. Not because I didn’t want to but because I was swept away by the thought that He just might be serious.
“My love,” He said, “why do you hide from me? I want to be with you. I want you to be with me.”
My heart beat faster. The tightness in my throat grew and tears began to well in my eyes. “I’m here Lord,” I managed.
As drawn as I was to His goodness and light I struggled within my surroundings. I wanted to burst through the walls that held me and run to Him but at the same time I feared leaving the security of the box. Confined both within and without I again took my eyes off of Him sunk into the corner and began to weep.
Then from just outside the box I heard Him just above a whisper, “Where is my love?”
“I’m in here,” I sobbed.
With a tenderness that I have never heard before He said, “What is it that keeps my love from me?”
I could sense He was standing over me. Light shined in from all sides. His love and warmth penetrated every side of the box until finally I could not resist any longer. In weakness I stood hardly able to keep my balance. With all I had I pushed against the wall where the light shone most brightly. In an instant I was free. His hands caught mine as I pushed through and His eyes met mine.
We stared at each other for a moment. I was afraid to hold his gaze for long. As much as I wanted to leap into His welcoming presence I stood paralyzed barely able to breathe.
He continued to hold my hands. “Oh, my love,” He said. “How I have longed to see you.” His smile melted my heart.
I slowly pulled my hands away from His. I folded my arms in front of me and leaned back slightly until I felt the box behind me. His eyes never let me go.
“I came to see what hides you from me,” He said. “Show me this place,” He said with a gentle smile. He sat on the ground with His legs crossed beneath Him. I sat close but not close enough to touch Him.
I looked at the wall that I had just pushed open. It suddenly occurred to me how simple it was to move. Funny I hadn’t tried opening it before. The Lord was looking carefully at it, examining it with His hands.
“This wall here,” He said. “Tell me about it.”
“This hides the real me.” I wasn’t sure where the words came from but the tears quickly followed. I tried to hold them back but to no avail. He waited. I took a deep breath and continued. “The real me isn’t accepted, Lord. I’m not like everyone else. When I’ve let that show…” The tears wouldn’t let me continue. “I’ve learned it’s safer to hide. If people see who I really am…” The tears took over again.
“Oh, my dear girl. I know you,” He said with a smile in His voice. “I know everything about you. I know that you’re creative and love to play basketball. I know that your short and you really don’t like being short – but you’ve learned to live with it. I know the color of your eyes and how many tears you have shed since the day you were born. I hear you. I see you. AND, I love you.
“I know what you’ve done every moment of every day of your life. I know what you believe in and what you stand for. I know what your favorite pair of tennis shoes are. I know that you get lonely and afraid and sometimes you just want to be held. I know you. I know what you have needed from others and haven’t received. I know what melts your heart. I know what brings you the greatest joy. I know your deepest desires – even those you’re afraid to ask me for. I have made you. You have never been out of my sight. I know you. I love you and you are the apple of my eye. And I want to be with you… the real you, the one I have created you to be. I won’t settle for any substitute. I want you.” He smiled broadly and tears filled His eyes.
“I want you too,” I whispered as I inched closer to Him.
He turned His head until my eyes met His. “Then let me fill this side of the box. Is that okay? Let me take the place of this wall. You will no longer have to pretend to be someone you’re not. You are seen by me and you are more than acceptable. You have been created by me, and that you is the you I love most.”
I nodded yes as our attention turned back to the box. We both stood and reached for the side of the box that stood partially away from the other sides. Together we pulled until the rusty pegs came free from their holes. With a mighty gust of wind that side of the box was gone. The Lord filled that side with His presence and again took a seat on the ground. I sat down too, my arm resting on his knee.
“Now what’s this second side here?” He asked, pointing to the wall on His right.
My face felt flush. “I feel like I am constantly seeking to fill the emptiness of my life. I work hard. I love deeply. I throw myself into whatever task you put in front of me, Lord. And when I’m not doing that I’m filling my time with nonsense – distractions of all kinds. I keep searching and longing for something or someone to fill that ache. I just keep striving for it but it always alludes me. I’m weary, Lord. I feel like I’ve reached the end of myself and there’s nothing left to grab onto.”
I looked at Him.
“Me. Grab on to me.” He paused. “I’m the one, my sweet girl. I’m the one who has given you everything you’re seeking to cling to. You’re looking at the gifts I’ve given you as the answer to your fulfillment. Honey, I am the answer to your fulfillment. Look to the giver. I want nothing more than to fulfill your every desire, but you have to know the source. And when you know the source our desires will be the same – yours will match mine. But until then, my sweet one, as long as you seek out people, places, things, and activities to fill your heart it will remain empty. I’m the only one who can fill it.
“And my love, when you recognize that I am the source of what you are seeking, you will not only be filled but will be overflowing. When you overflow with my love, you will be connected to others in a way you have never connected before. You will be sharing my love with them. The fulfillment they too are seeking will flow right through you and into them. Then you can share the secret. I am the key, dear child. Let me fulfill you. Then you can help me fulfill others with the same love you have come to know.”
We both turned again towards the box. “What if I would fill this side of the box too?” He asked.
“Yes, Lord. Take that side too.”
And with that another side was gone. The Lord positioned Himself at the empty corner of what was once the box. As He moved, I moved a bit closer to Him this time. “What about this third wall?”
Looking at it in the light now I could see I leaned against this side the most. The wood was worn smooth. There were distinct outlines where I leaned against it. I looked at Him then back towards the wall. I took a deep breath.
“Well Lord, this is my self-reliance,” I said with hints of both pride and shame. “You see, I have a tendency to rely a lot on myself. I don’t rely too heavily on other people. I’ve learned to handle things on my own – had to. I admit that I have allowed this to get in the way of my relationship with you. Sometimes, especially when you really bless me, Lord – when things are going so well, I feel like I may not even need you. I know that isn’t true, but sometimes I think I can handle life on my own.”
“Hmmm,” He said with a serious look on His face. “This sounds pretty important to you. Is this something you want to part with?”
My heart sank and my throat tightened. What was I saying?! It made no sense! My eyes filled with tears and my hand covered my mouth. He looked in my direction. All I could do was shake my head.
“Oh, my girl,” He said tenderly His hands reaching for my shoulders. “I know,” He said as He pulled me closer but held my gaze. “May I fill this side of the box too?”
I shook my head yes and immediately the wall collapsed. It disintegrated without a trace.
“My love, the wall upon which you relied most, was nothing but dust. In fact, it was no wall at all. The credit you have given yourself belongs to me. When you leaned upon that wall it was I who held it up. It was not your strength at all, it was mine. And the comfort you felt when you leaned upon this side, was the comfort of my presence. And when I blessed you, my sweet one, I blessed you so that you would run towards me, not away from me. My heart’s desire has always been to bring you close.”
I leaned into His chest and sobbed. “I’m sorry, Lord. I’m sorry I missed you.”
Without moving, His presence seemed to grow. As I gathered myself again I found I was now sitting in His lap. The box that once stood over us was now one thin small wall with a square attached at the top and the bottom. It seemed so small in comparison to us.
“There’s one left,” He said.
A chill ran through me that made me pull away from Him suddenly. I stood up quickly nearly pushing Him over backwards. My breath quickened. I could hardly catch it. I backed away from Him until I could feel the remaining wall against my back. He stood up.
“What is it, child? Tell me about this side.”
I clutched the wall behind me. I looked at Him desperately but was too afraid to even cry.
“What is it? It’s okay to tell me,” He beckoned. His eyes were soft.
The splinters of the wall were in me now as they had been so many times. “Fear,” I managed. I tried to pull away from the wall but it had me in its grips. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t give voice to the screams inside.
I watched Him back away from me. His eyes remained fixed on me and I could see the same passion I had seen all along. “Where is He going?” I thought to myself. No! This is exactly what I fear the most. Where? Why? LORD!
He took a few more steps back and pointed to His right. He never let His eyes leave me. Shaking, my eyes darted in the direction he was pointing. Charging towards me was a knight on a galloping horse. He held a lance that was aimed at me. As each second ticked by he grew closer. The rider rose in his saddle, raising the lance with precision aim. With everything in me I pushed away from the wall that held me just as the horse and rider ran past me. I ran as fast as I could into my Savior’s arms and buried my face in His neck.
He held me tight and rocked me back and forth. I don’t know how much time had passed but finally He said, “Look!”
I turned in the direction of the knight. He was cantering away on his horse the flimsy wall which looked like cheap cardboard was still stuck on the end of his lance along with the top and bottom of what was once the box.
I looked up at Him. “He wasn’t after me?”
He tipped His head back and laughed. “No, my love. He wasn’t after you,” He said His forehead leaning against mine. “I have conquered fear, my lamb. You need not be held by it any longer.”
I smiled. For the first time since I saw Him, I smiled. In the pit of my stomach I felt something I hadn’t felt before. The feeling travelled up my spine and down to my toes. I began to giggle, and then laugh. Tears filled my eyes but they were different tears than what I had shed before. I threw my arms around Him.
“You know what that is, my lovely?” He waited. “That’s joy!” He whispered loudly in my ear until it tickled.
I don’t know how long that moment lasted, it could have been seconds, it could have been years. It was sheer joy and I felt complete in His presence. As we both caught our breath my attention was drawn to where the box had once stood. I can’t describe what I saw or heard but I knew something was there. I looked at Him. He let me down and said, “Go look and see.”
I moved carefully towards the site my eyes pealed for whatever was drawing my attention. When I arrived I saw what appeared to be bits of broken pottery. There seemed to be hundreds of them packed tightly into the square upon which the box stood. Even though I hadn’t seen them before I knew the pieces well. They were pieces of me… broken places of my life that had served as a foundation upon which that box was built. I gathered up as many pieces as I could and ran to Jesus. He had gathered the front of His robe into His hands in order to collect every piece I brought Him. Without a word He took each piece and I ran back to get more.
I returned to the foundation more than a dozen times until each piece was picked up. I went back on last time to make sure I had gotten them all. I had. And when I made my way back to Jesus, there He stood, not a piece of broken pottery in sight. His arms were open to me and although I could no longer see what I had brought Him I knew He had them all and that they were safe.
He gathered me in His arms and we walked the path together.
I pray that you know how much you are loved by the Savior of the world. I pray that you know that His love is greater than any box you have created around you. He can free you to be the person He has always intended you to be. There is Love outside that box just waiting for you to experience! Love for you to receive and love for you to give.
Thank you, Lord, for you love for us. Thank you for sending your Son to rescue us from shame and fear, distractions and self-reliance. Set us free to be loved and to love as you have loved us. In Jesus’ name, amen.